This article originally appeared in the Amarillo Pioneer on June 16, 2017
by Trent Rosser
“Honey, did you gain some weight in your rear end?”
That is something you say when you want to commit spouse suicide! I must say, that is something that I would never say to my wife. Even if it was true - it is not, she has actually lost weight - it is something that no man should say. And there are many other things as well. For example, this is something that used to happen all the time, but some of us men are powerless to control it. We would want to record a game on the TV but did not know how to operate the old VHS correctly. So what did we do? We recorded the game over the wedding video. Of course, we know how much these simple little things mean to our wives so we “Man up” and do the right thing….. We pulled the tape out of the cassette, ran it over in the car, lit it on fire, took it to a landfill, dug a hole and buried it, then put more trash on top of it and have a loader run it over and pack it in deep. When we got home; we told her that the dog chewed it up! Thankfully there is now the internet and we can pull up just about anything, including the game so we do not have to worry about making a trip to the landfill, or having to get a new dog.
Now, if you want to have a long fight, here are the words to start one….. “What do you want for supper?” Oh dear God!!! These few words start an argument just about every time. Here is the conversation that we have had on many occasions.
Me: “Honey, what do you want to eat?”
Wife: “I don’t care.”
Me: “Burger King, McDonald's?”
Wife: “No, No”
Me: “Sonic, Long John Silver, Arbys, Chick-Fil-A?”
Wife: “No, No, No and No. Where do you want to eat at?"
Me: “I don’t care, where ever is good with me. I am hungry so let’s eat somewhere. How about Taco Bell, or Wendy’s?”
Me: (getting very frustrated) “OK, where would YOU like to eat at?”
Wife: “I don’t care”
By this time I am so frustrated (and hungry), I am ready to bang my head against the wall and eat tofu. I am sure that they do this just to get under our skin. It is there way of payback for all the things we do that aggravates them. I know for a fact that we aggravate our wives. My wife is not a morning person, so when we wake and she is getting ready for work; I run throughout the house singing “It’s a beautiful morning!” The look I get from that alone is priceless. Thank God she loves me, or I would be dead by now.
I love to aggravate my wife, she is a very good sport and we do have a lot of fun together. On a few occasions she has really got me back with her own way of aggravating me. Just yesterday she had me sit down, and we had to have a “serious talk”. As my daughter, (who is staying with us at the time) sits down next to my wife; they explain to me that she is pregnant. I of course am a little upset, because now I am going to have to care for her while she is pregnant along with a 2 year old grandson. As my face was starting to turn red, they said that it was not true, she is not pregnant, but things could be worse and then they proceeded to hand me the electric bill. I think I would rather her be pregnant than have to pay this high bill. They need to turn off the dang lights!!
Also the “Honeydew list.” Yes, I have put off quite a few of the things I should have done around the house. For instance, I also mow lawns as a side job…. But my lawn is a mess. I just do not have time for it all. The painting is another thing. Yes, I did start painting the inside of the house, but there are 2 rooms that I have yet to finish. I will get them painted; there is no need for her to remind me every 4 months!!
All in all, women would win this contest. Women can be conniving, methodical, patient, cruel, and are the smartest creatures on earth. So ladies, this Fathers Day, remember us for who we are. We are still trying to get the damn VCR to quit blinking “12:00” and if you really want to give us something this “Fathers Day” …. For the love of God, please tell us… where do YOU want to eat?