by Trent Rosser
Karma is a beautiful thing, wouldn’t you agree? I made fun of my wife getting sick and me having to take care of her; and now here I am sitting in a hospital bed. They say that there are an average 10 to 11 pints of blood in a man’s body, depending on weight. I have given the nurses at the hospital 12 pints of blood, 2 pints of milk and 4 pints of Dr Pepper, and some nasty stuff in a Styrofoam cup! I actually sang that to the tune of 12 days of Christmas! But enough about me and my issues, I have learned of a bigger issue that is affecting millions of Americans across this great country. It is bigger than the building of the wall. It is bigger than the repeal of the health care. Bigger than the super bowl! That is right America; I am talking about the shortage of plastic urinals!
We have all seen the plastic urinal that hang on the side of a hospital bed. Tall with a handle that you grab and can hang on the side of the bed or gurney, sometimes filled with yellow liquid, sometimes empty. We look and we cringe because we all know how difficult it could be to pee in a bottle while lying in bed. It is amazing, we can hit a 12 point buck at 200 yards away, but a toilet or a urinal from less than 2 inches away and we miss? I can’t explain it? Ever hear the saying, “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”? It has happened. The nation is in turmoil. There is a shortage of the plastic urinal! Now, it is a cardboard urinal. Wait, cardboard? Isn’t cardboard just paper pressed together? Doesn’t paper tear when it gets wet? Yes, it is shaped like the older plastic urinals, but no handle. Looks kind of like a half gallon milk carton. Am I missing something here? You want me to pee in cardboard box, while lying in a hospital bed. Again, cardboard and water do not mix well. Did I also mention no handle! That is right; it is cardboard with no handle to hang it on the bed, no, now you have to put it on your food tray! So while you are eating your new cardiac diet, that consist of no salt, no pepper, no sugar, no spices, no flavor, all bland imitation eggs, you can be staring right next to your cardboard pee box. Again, I want to mention, cardboard, water……any one getting the point yet?
I remember when I was young and we would go on trips with my grandparents. There was always an empty milk jug. Can you guess what it was for? That’s right; it was for peeing during the long trips. Because when Grandpa’s gruff voice says, “Go now, I aren’t stopping till we get there.” He meant it! Do you realize how hard it is to pee in a milk jug in the back seat of a 1970 something Chevy caprice going 60 mph? I think grandpa tried to hit every bump he could. What was better when my brother refused to use the jug and just stood up, dropped his drawers and peed out the window. The problem was, we were still in town, downtown to be exact, had not even left the city yet. It must have been a site to see that day in downtown Midland, TX in the late 70s. Grandpa’s cussing, grandma’s ducking, I’m waving and my 6 year old brother is peeing out of a car window. It was our 1 car parade.
Ok, back to the problem at the time. Cardboard pee cups. We need the plastic back! We should be in a state of emergency. Do you realize how hard it is to be in a hospital and not have a proper pee cup that you can depend on? Something so simple could ruin your day so quickly. Thank god my cardboard box held with no leakage. My wife was laughing so I made her empty my cardboard box quite often! Now she and the Dr are talking about an “Enemy? Enema?” I’m not sure what they are talking about, but I have a feeling I will find out soon. So I will wrap this up by saying that the medication they have given me has got my brain going full speed. This stuff called Phine is some good stuff. The more phine the better phine. I have so many ideas on how to solve the world’s problems right now and I can do it. They told me it might make me drowsy. Heck, I could land the space shuttle right now without a problem. So (*yawn*) to get started on the cardboard pee cups….(*Yawn*) what … we need to…do is…………zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.