The following article was first published in the Pioneer in March 2018.

By Trent Rosser

It's that time of year again. The weather is starting to get warmer, the leaves are coming back on the trees and the great American pastime is back and strong. Even though we are building a new baseball stadium, it is not baseball I am talking about. It’s a good ole fashion backyard bar-b-que. The sweet smell of marinade mixed with the pungent aroma of charcoal and propane will fill the air. So, before the season officially starts, I want to give a few tips and suggestions to have a great bar-b-que.

First of all, make sure everything is working properly. You want to make sure that the lid opens and close properly as well as the grates in the grill itself. You also want to make sure that the grates are clean. I used to use a wire brush to clean them, but recently there have been reports that some of the wire bristles have been coming off and end up lodging itself into what ever is on the grill cooking. Then you take a big bite and now have a piece of wire sticking out the roof of your mouth. Or even worse, it is stuck in your stomach. Most everyone loves a good steak or hamburger on the grill but leave off the small wires! When that is done, look for a safe place to put the grill. Be sure to place it in an open space. After all, if you are under a tree, you really do not want to add extra toppings. For example, the bird in the tree could try to add some spices to your burgers. Also, a fire could possibly get a little out of control and catch the branches above the gill on fire. With that being said, I need to make apologies to my neighbor for last year. His tree went up in flames quick! Now, I have to say, if you are thinking about putting the grill on the porch so you can stay out of the rain or stay in the shade, I have the solution. Sell the grill and order a pizza. You are too dumb to be grilling out. Unless you are trying to catch the house on fire and looking for that insurance settlement.

Now, everyone has their own preference on what they use to grill. Either propane, or Charcoal. Anyone remember that cartoon called “King of the Hill”? The main character sold propane and propane accessories and despised charcoal. I on the other hand prefer charcoal. Now you have to remember, it does take a little longer with charcoal because you have to wait for the coals to get hot, but in my opinion, it is worth it. Use what you can with the charcoals, but you do not need a whole lot. I usually just cook for me and my wife, so half a large bag is usually sufficient. You put the charcoal into a pyramid form and make sure that it is built up a little above where the grates would do. Again, since it usually only my wife and I use two full bottles of lighter fluid, but you can use more if needed! Here is another safety tip! DO NOT USE GASOLINE! With gas, the meat has a weird flavor and it is hard to pour gas on a grill when there is food on there. Plus, it is the fumes that ignite on gas, so when you are looking down to put the match on the charcoal, it will explode! Did you know it can take up to 4 weeks before eyelashes and eyebrows start to grow back when burned off? Now, after the fire burns a little you put your hand in the coal and move them around to spread them out. This way you can also put the grates back on and burn off all the excess gunk that is on them. Again, I learned through experience be sure to use a thick glove and make it quick. This is also where you can burn all the hairs of your knuckles. After all, no one likes to shake a person’s hand and it feels like that they are petting an ape! Now after your hands and face are in a bandage, this would be the time to throw the food on the grill. Just remember the flames can come back and burn when you open the grill. To prevent catching a good shirt on fire, it is best to do all this with a sleeveless shirt or no shirt at all. When the food is cooked to your liking, remove from grill and enjoy, just remember to make sure all the coals are out before you leave to go to the hospital.

Cooking out is fun, but there are countless dangers to it. You must be careful at all times and be aware. My wife and I had a situation this past week. This is what happened. We had some hamburger meat out for hamburger helper. I told her that I wanted to cook out and wanted a steak. She said that she wanted hamburgers. So, she made the patties, cut up the tomatoes, peeled the lettuce, cut some sausage and made the marinade. She then put the marinade on the meat. She then bandaged my hands and set the table. I informed her that the grill was ready, and she brought everything out to me. I put them on the grill and shut the lid. A few minutes later she came out and informed me that I needed to flip the sausage and the burgers, but not the steak just yet. I asked her to bring me a soda. She came back with a soda and then went and did the dishes that were dirty from mixing the marinade and the tray that we had the meat on. She then came back and told me to flip everything on the grill that I was burning it. I thanked her and asked if I had clean clothes for tomorrow. She promptly went and started a load of laundry. The meat was done, and we had a delicious meal. After we ate, I sat back and watched T.V. while she packed up the leftovers, did the dishes, fed the cat and dogs and put the clothes in the dryer. When she sat down, I asked her,

“Well, how did you enjoy your day off?”

Doctor said that I might be able to go home next week. Grilling out is very dangerous.