The Amarillo Pioneer

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Rosser's Ramblings: Squirrels

by Trent Rosser

As I have said before, I aint right in the head sometimes. I get to thinking, and something will happen and for some reason a great idea will come to mind. Well, I think it is a great idea. I could be wrong but I came up with an idea for a great enterprise and money making opportunity that would make any self made billionaire jealous. I call it, “Squirrels”.

Let’s start from the beginning. It is a simple process that has been done many times before. Years ago, when a new super Wal-Mart would be built, another construction would be built next to it.  It would be the hardware and lumber store called “Lowes”. Now next to most of the Wal-Mart there will be a Lowe's right next to it. Or even a Murphy’s gas station. So what had happened is that Lowes and Murphy’s  used the flow of traffic and customers of Wal-mart to capitalize by selling something that Wal-Mart does not sell. Lumber and gasoline, it was a great partnership. Needing to get a piece of particle board? Might as well get a gallon of milk and fill up with gas while you’re there. A true one-stop shopping, right. So here is where the idea comes from.

My wife and I were trying to figure out where to eat without starting to fight (see my previous article “Men vs. Women”). Somehow we ended up at Hooters. Now I know they are known for their scantily clad young women. I also know that they have a lot of, umm, certain body parts, exposed more than normal. It is more of a “man’s” restaurant. It caters to men with the pretty young women that don’t leave a lot to the imagination. Truthfully, some of them would make Victoria's Secret blush. That would be hard to do, I have been in Victoria's Secrets and honestly, Victoria does not have many secrets left! But back to Hooters, it is catered to the men with many TV's across the walls.  Sports on just about every channel and what part of the wall that does not have any TV on it, will have some kind of “man cave” décor. Now they were known for their buffalo wings at one time. I was told that they were pretty good. I will say that the food is not to actually bad.

Now every time we go, there is a man to woman ratio of about 25 to 1. There are not a lot of women that go there. Again it is catered to the men. There are over 430 Hooters across the nation. I want to open a restaurant right next to every Hooters only my place would cater to the women. That is right, instead of beer and wings, we would serve wine and cheese and nuts. We would have décor for women. Like flowers of all kinds, romance books that you can read as you are waiting for your meal. There will be TV also. Lots of TV just like Hooters except of having sports, it would be different channels like “Lifetime” channel “Oxygen” channel and of course “Oprah.”

We would serve comfort food. Our menus will have things like ice cream and cookies. Everything would be a comfort food. If there is something you want and it is not on the menu, request to have the chef prepare it for you if they can. There would not be tables or booths, they would all be soft cushion couches and recliners that you can curl up on. If you want to lay back and eat a gallon of ice cream while watching “Dr. Phil”, then we will provide the throw blanket.  It can be a family theme also, we will still have the occasional booth and table if the entire family wanted to come. The mascot for Hooters is an owl, so to keep with the “animal” theme; our mascot will be a squirrel. Just a little bitty squirrel with fat chubby cheeks and a black bow tie.

Ok, now I know what you’re thinking. This could be like any restaurant, just right next door to Hooters, but you have not heard the good part yet. Instead of waitress and cooks, like “Hooters” there will be servers and chefs. The chefs will be in the back cooking the comfort food and the servers would be taking the orders and serving the customers.  Did I mention the servers would be young, tanned, fit and muscular men? They would be wearing tight spandex shorts and no shirt. Just a vest that is about 3 sizes too small and of course, a small black bow tie. Now this would not be like the Chippendale’s, there will be no dancing, just serving you to help you relax a little. Need little sprinkles to go with the ice cream while you are watching the “Ellen.” Let one of our “Squirrel Servants” get that for you. We will cater to the women and Hooters will cater to the men. 

Hooters and Squirrels….. It goes together like, peanut butter and chocolate. You can park in the middle parking lot. Your husband walks one way, you walk another and after a couple of hours of fun and a little bit of food. You both can meet back at the car and head home. Everyone happy and got to eat what and where they wanted to eat at with a good looking Hooters girl or a good looking “Squirrel Servant” either way, it is a win-win situation.

We will also offer complimentary peanuts when you walk in the door. Sam the squirrel will be at the front door with a cup and unlimited peanuts. After all, Hooters motto is “Delightfully tacky yet unrefined.” The motto for Squirrels is “We have nuts."

Well, like I said before, sometimes, I just ain't right in the head!

 Photo by: Slate

Photo by: Slate

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