by Trent Rosser
Things to avoid, rattlesnakes, Scorpions, dragons, and shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday is the day that normal people go crazy trying to get things that they want. Its kinda ironic because the day before we were all thankful for the things we have! There are things that men will try to avoid at all cost. Colonoscopy, and shopping on black Friday. Yes, colonoscopy and shopping on black Friday is just about the same thing. Ladies, I am going to tell you a secret, us men are scared. That's right, we feel like rats in a snake cage when you ladies get to shopping. Most men are built bigger and stronger than a woman, but get in the way of a good sale at the mall is like standing against a seven foot linebacker. We really don't want to get hurt.
A few years ago I showed up at the local superstore for black Friday. They had 32 inch t.v.'s for $99. I wanted a couple. When I showed up, I walked right in. What I didn't notice was the line on the other side of the store of people waiting to get in. A few people were upset already, and I really made them mad when I walked in on the other side of the store. I found a pallet of t.v's and was about to grab one when the salesperson explained that I had to wait until a certain time before I could get one. No problem, after all, I am first in line. I started talking to the salesperson to kill some time and found out.... I was at the wrong spot. The t.v.'s I was wanting was just around the corner. So, I high tailed it over there, turned the corner and there was another line! It did not just stretch down one aisle, no it could not be that easy. It stretched up and down every single grocery aisle. When I finally got in line, I was at the back of the store. It didn't take too long for the line to move. They started to pass out rain checks to everyone in line to make up for not having the product. When I finally received mine, I had grown a full beard and my clothes were now out of style! A smart man at this time would have made his way to the check out and left. I am not a smart man. No, I had to check out the rest of the "black Friday deals". It was about this time that they let everyone else in the store. You remember the people waiting outside and was upset that I was able to "sneak" in. Yea, we are now in the store together. I have come to the conclusion that when the better the "sale" and the more people in the store, the stronger women get and the lower men's I.Q. become.
As you know from my previous stories, I am very big on chivalry. I say ma'am and sir and I show respect. I ended up in the back of the store and was doing everything I could to make it back to the checkouts. Trying to get out of people's way, saying "excuse me" "pardon me." It was even more difficult since the store put pallets of the sale items in the middle of the aisles. I was about halfway there when it happened. Out of nowhere, I was knocked off my feet and into a pallet. I felt like I was in a professional wrestling ring and was getting whipped. I felt like Terry Funk himself was using me as a warm up match. I was clothes lined and then body slammed into a pallet of coffee makers. I was lying in the middle of the pallet with my legs up in the air staring at stars. I did not want to make more of a commotion than I already had so I politely said, "excuse me, I'm sorry," only to be in shock when I saw the woman that did that to me. This 90 year old lady staring back at me. But that elderly lady seemed like the7 foot 300 pound linebacker I mentioned before. After about an hour of pushing and pulling and kicking my way through the crowd, I finally made it to the check out, it was another line. Luckily there were a few different lines. They had a couple of employees directing people on where to go to check out. They looked a lot like a couple of monkeys trying to direct traffic in New York City. Finally made it out and back to my truck. I have sworn to never, ever, under any circumstances, to do anything like that again. The whole ordeal was a madhouse. All of that for a $99 t.v.
This, ladies, is why us men, hate shopping in the first place. Men have a natural instinct for survival, shopping on black Friday is like asking for the king to put us in the guillotine, just to see if it hurts. We do not want to get killed. If you have never been to a black Friday sale and want to get a small taste of the experience, watch CNN when they have a marathon of our congress in action. It is enough to drive you to the brink of insanity. The best way to describe it.... Controlled Chaos. This year, as I see all the sales on t.v. advertising the "black Friday" sales, I think back to that awful time and I am so glad that I do not have to do that again. As I write this, my wife brings me the ads for this year's "black Friday" sales. Well, isn't this just great, time to break out the Kevlar vest, chain mail and swords, looks like I'm going shopping!!